Pearl

I swim.

Through this pearl field

In the ocean

I pick some up

and they are beautiful

yet they crack in my hand

… . or float away

I see you, a small opaque pink of a pearl

I gently touch my hand to you

and you are smooth

I gingerly pick you up,

as I do not want to break you

or let you float away

I do not hold on too tight

for fear that you may leave,

or endure a scratch

I want to take you home

like a dolly in my pocket

yet I am too scared

of breaking another beautiful pearl

. . especially the most stunning of them all

Change

Things Change
I change
You change
Our perceptions change
and life goes on

I'm done with being amazed
like a puppy dog running after the new owner
I want to learn
and stop being jealous
by things I do not know of

I deflect certain answers
And open up with others
I almost cry when I talk about seeing my friend's heart crack
and smile and relate when talking about love

I do not miss the butterflies.... they have never left
I am becoming more mature
to spend more time with you
yet do not want to change myself just for that

You have changed me
I have changed
I am more open, more opinionated, more honest
I found a new boy
he is kind of like you
maybe now things won't fizzle
but he's almost too much like you
almost too reminding
that i reminisce
and wish to change yet again

Life goes on
I change
Maybe I changed for you
Maybe everything is different
Maybe I was wrong....

And yet I still throw myself to the wind

Oh goodness.

I haven't written on my blog in 12 days! I really need to get back in the habit,...

Love love love your favorite Listener,
Carly

Mommy+Crying becomes Slam Poetry

My school is having a slam poetry contest, so we've been having workshops. I wanted to perform this one but it needed to be longer. So, I revised.

I run up the open staircase, pass the looming tree

Rush down the hall and into my room

Slam the door behind me, I am just so confused

I slide down the corner of my dresser, the sharpness digging into my back

I close my eyes and breathe in deep

I hear my door crack open

Smell her perfume, hear her breathe in deep too

The scent of lilacs overtakes me

The aroma smells like my Grandma's bathroom

Lilac soap, shampoo, and body wash

I blink rapidly so I can stay strong

I do not want to be reminded of sweet times

I almost begin to cry yet do not

She walks in and I stay, stoney face on the ground

I hold them in as she stands there awkwardly

Waiting for me to say something

but I just sit, looking at my lap

holding the tears in

She says I love you

I say nothing

I can feel myself smirking angrily

Yet it doesn't feel right

I'm not angry... I'm just dying inside

I watch her leave and shut the door

I stop tensing up and let the water flow

streaming down my cheeks

I've gotten good at silencing the whimpers

& holding back the ocean

I don't let my mom see me cry......

Short Story

For those of you who have read my prior post, you'll realize this is based off my actual life and infused with cooler things. It's a short story.

Helena struggled through the door at around six. She plopped down backstage. She and Anna ran through a few scenes and Helena was jumpy. It was the last show and she was excited. She gave Tommy a big hug and went to get her face powdered and make up applied. The costume designer, Helena couldn’t remember her name, was directing the girl who was applying the glitter to make swirls on the sides of her eyes. Helena played a game of hearts with Emily, June, and Britney to pass the time. Before she knew it, it was five minutes before show-time. Helena was struggling into her costume. The wings were a dark, shimmering green and a tan, filmy slip was underneath. She watched from the wings as Oberon and Titania (Brittany and June) march and slithered onto the stage. Helena watched in awe as they moved so fluidly. She was leaning forward when she felt a bump.

Distracted, she looked up to find Tommy. He whispered to her “Watch your step girl; you almost fell onto the stage.” Helena nodded and could feel her cheeks getting hot. Thank goodness it’s dark, she thought. The next scene she walked onto the stage on releve, ready to have Puck be born. Her heart was not in the show, though. Helena was still remembering the touch of Tommy’s skin. Luckily, her back was to the audience as the flower pulsed and flourished. All the faeries had there hands in the middle and were in a circle so Puck would not be seen. Helena smiled at Gwen (Puck) and Gwen gave a little wave. She was alert like an owl at night. They all brought there hands up in slow motion in beat with the music and created falling leaves with there bodies.

Once Puck was born Helena flipped into the corner and waited for Oberon and Titania to come on stage again and find the baby fairy. She kept her eyes focused on the opposite wall. She tried to not think while her arms were on fire from having to hold them up for so long.

The play finished rather quickly and she plucked pantomime flowers with Anna. Helena was supposed to be the ditzy and innocent fairy. She nailed the part. Even so, whenever she was ‘digging’ a hole to plant a flower she was imagining Tommy planting and watering the flowers, like in rehearsal. Helena headed off-stage to do a 1:30 change into a formal gown on the dot.

One minute and 30 seconds later, it was the last scene. Helena was wearing her pink party dress; fidgeting and twiddling her thumbs. Tommy said to her “Relax.”, and they waltzed onstage. She could feel her palm sweating as they danced. Step forward, releve, step down, releve, and twirl. The music was fast and Helena was on to her next partner. Even so, she was imagining her hand intertwined with his.

The music finished and the cast bowed. Gwen and Helena laughed heartily when Natalie fell, and stumbled off stage. It was decided that they were going to Guapo’s: an amazing Mexican restaurant. They all walked down the snowy street like the big, adopted family they were. Helena sat with Tommy and they laughed about all the immature things they knew. She was teaching him Portuguese, he was teaching her polish.  They shared nachos and Helena’s head was about to burst. She longed to just grab his hand and spill her feelings. Yet she was an actress, and knew the consequences. The 22 year old would have nothing to do with her.

Once the meal was finished, some of the girls cried and swapped phone numbers. Helena trudged home in the January snow and thought about sharing her feelings. Instead she sang as she walked. You could see her twirling in the snow and leaning from side to side, like a happy drunk.

“Don't let me go if I'm dangling, high above the world where the angels sing. Back it up, let's turn this train around, let's get this party hopping 'til we're shaking the ground. When the ground starts shaking I'll be there to hold you tight. Don't worry about a thing cause everything will be alright. Let me keep this short and sweet, there's not a lot I wouldn't do to sweep you off your feet.” Suddenly, she felt Tommy’s arms around her. He got his lips close to her ear and said

“Whoever that’s for is a lucky man. I’m always hear for you, girl.” She laughed and bit her lip. They walked down to the metro station and she waved as she got on the train. The whole cast was meeting up for movie night next Friday. She breathed in deeply and exhaled. Helena would see Tommy again. Life goes on. So does the magic.

Who I am

Wowzers, I've had a brain block for a while! (At least for me) Luckily, my English teacher forced me to write poems with this poet dude, and I finished it in Spanish class. Nothing special, but give it a read(:

Do you hear the whispering wind
Wooshing away my life
Wishing someone will hear

 Please, hear the waves at the beach when I was five
My heart leaping with joy

Touch my back and watch me cry
Happiness plummeting into nothingness

Taste the donuts at my 2nd grade birthday
Smile at the proud grin on my face

Look at my scraped knees
as I struggle to stand

Smell the mulch and flowers in the fall of 4th grade...
Seeing me plant and water with my mommy

Look at me now.

Every jubilant thought, every tear shed
Was innocent and simple, fixed with a kiss
Times are changing.
Childhood is gone and life is complicated
Little joys pass by
A kiss only makes the pain worse......

Now watch me crawl into my bed
Laugh at the mascara streaming down my cheeks
Grow quieter as I wail
Hear my pen scraping the paper
Jump when I slam my notebook

Reach out to comfort and find no one is there
I am gone
The wind has taken my story
Tuck me away, like a dolly in your pocket
So I will not disappear

Solely Lust?

I walked down the row
Didn't see you
your sister said you weren't coming
I felt a pang in my chest

Yet it subsided rather quickly
and I had no time to wonder why
I worked, and laughed, and had fun
whilst i did not think of you

it confuses me; when i thought i was head over heels
what will happen when i won't see you for months?
I thought you were different
then the boy on cross country
who i forgot about in days

I worry
yet somehow do not
because I am writing this
and still care

i hope it is not solely lust
xo.

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly