PICTURES

I don't know how to post photography on here.. so check my tumblr if you want pictures..

URL: nerdsinhotsweaters.tumblr.com

I almost missed my bus today. Stupid announcements, fucking up the dates of photography club.

Schedule and Clubs

I'm taking English 9 Int., Algebra II Int., Spanish for Fluent Speakers III, AP World History, Bio. Int., Health and Theatre Arts

Sound kinda iffy, so plain and simple: Hardest courses you can take as a freshman except for my electives/ health and if you're in a higher math (practically impossible)

To add on to the geek squad power, I'm in Debate Club, Gay-Straight Alliance, Young Democrats, and Photography Club! Joys!

New Blog/Tumblr

I already have one Tumblr full of exciting pictures. This newone is more like my blogspot blog, except that  I can post pictures and have more control. I hope you guys read up and enjoy it!


xo
Carly




Link:


http://nerdsinhotsweaters.tumblr.com/

New look, yes?

I haven't written much, and I think that's thank to my writing block. But I also said this could be about day to day things.. no matter how boring! I'll do a thorough update of the beginning of freshman year soon, but for now, let's keep it simple: I'm in debate club. Nerds, I know. It's enjoyable though. Argument Theme of the moment:

Justice requires the recognition of Animal Rights

I'm not very fond of animals, but we'll see. Life is kinda cool right now. Get ready for some intense reports.

Tumblr Site!

http://actingmylifeaway.tumblr.com/

Frozen hearts

The world is cold. It creates icicles in your hair and your skin cracks. 
Ice forms over everything. 
A numbing freeze fills your heart. 
And you’re gone….. all gone. and cold. and empty


Your heart is frozen for many a years
and it slowly dies and pulses less loudly
until a crack forms
and that single break may just kill you
because the cold shell breaks open


a piercing last breathe escapes
and your heart begins to bleed
a hindered pulse
and your heart lays to rest
the world is gone
because you are gone

Pearl

I swim.

Through this pearl field

In the ocean

I pick some up

and they are beautiful

yet they crack in my hand

… . or float away

I see you, a small opaque pink of a pearl

I gently touch my hand to you

and you are smooth

I gingerly pick you up,

as I do not want to break you

or let you float away

I do not hold on too tight

for fear that you may leave,

or endure a scratch

I want to take you home

like a dolly in my pocket

yet I am too scared

of breaking another beautiful pearl

. . especially the most stunning of them all

Change

Things Change
I change
You change
Our perceptions change
and life goes on

I'm done with being amazed
like a puppy dog running after the new owner
I want to learn
and stop being jealous
by things I do not know of

I deflect certain answers
And open up with others
I almost cry when I talk about seeing my friend's heart crack
and smile and relate when talking about love

I do not miss the butterflies.... they have never left
I am becoming more mature
to spend more time with you
yet do not want to change myself just for that

You have changed me
I have changed
I am more open, more opinionated, more honest
I found a new boy
he is kind of like you
maybe now things won't fizzle
but he's almost too much like you
almost too reminding
that i reminisce
and wish to change yet again

Life goes on
I change
Maybe I changed for you
Maybe everything is different
Maybe I was wrong....

And yet I still throw myself to the wind

Oh goodness.

I haven't written on my blog in 12 days! I really need to get back in the habit,...

Love love love your favorite Listener,
Carly

Mommy+Crying becomes Slam Poetry

My school is having a slam poetry contest, so we've been having workshops. I wanted to perform this one but it needed to be longer. So, I revised.

I run up the open staircase, pass the looming tree

Rush down the hall and into my room

Slam the door behind me, I am just so confused

I slide down the corner of my dresser, the sharpness digging into my back

I close my eyes and breathe in deep

I hear my door crack open

Smell her perfume, hear her breathe in deep too

The scent of lilacs overtakes me

The aroma smells like my Grandma's bathroom

Lilac soap, shampoo, and body wash

I blink rapidly so I can stay strong

I do not want to be reminded of sweet times

I almost begin to cry yet do not

She walks in and I stay, stoney face on the ground

I hold them in as she stands there awkwardly

Waiting for me to say something

but I just sit, looking at my lap

holding the tears in

She says I love you

I say nothing

I can feel myself smirking angrily

Yet it doesn't feel right

I'm not angry... I'm just dying inside

I watch her leave and shut the door

I stop tensing up and let the water flow

streaming down my cheeks

I've gotten good at silencing the whimpers

& holding back the ocean

I don't let my mom see me cry......

Short Story

For those of you who have read my prior post, you'll realize this is based off my actual life and infused with cooler things. It's a short story.

Helena struggled through the door at around six. She plopped down backstage. She and Anna ran through a few scenes and Helena was jumpy. It was the last show and she was excited. She gave Tommy a big hug and went to get her face powdered and make up applied. The costume designer, Helena couldn’t remember her name, was directing the girl who was applying the glitter to make swirls on the sides of her eyes. Helena played a game of hearts with Emily, June, and Britney to pass the time. Before she knew it, it was five minutes before show-time. Helena was struggling into her costume. The wings were a dark, shimmering green and a tan, filmy slip was underneath. She watched from the wings as Oberon and Titania (Brittany and June) march and slithered onto the stage. Helena watched in awe as they moved so fluidly. She was leaning forward when she felt a bump.

Distracted, she looked up to find Tommy. He whispered to her “Watch your step girl; you almost fell onto the stage.” Helena nodded and could feel her cheeks getting hot. Thank goodness it’s dark, she thought. The next scene she walked onto the stage on releve, ready to have Puck be born. Her heart was not in the show, though. Helena was still remembering the touch of Tommy’s skin. Luckily, her back was to the audience as the flower pulsed and flourished. All the faeries had there hands in the middle and were in a circle so Puck would not be seen. Helena smiled at Gwen (Puck) and Gwen gave a little wave. She was alert like an owl at night. They all brought there hands up in slow motion in beat with the music and created falling leaves with there bodies.

Once Puck was born Helena flipped into the corner and waited for Oberon and Titania to come on stage again and find the baby fairy. She kept her eyes focused on the opposite wall. She tried to not think while her arms were on fire from having to hold them up for so long.

The play finished rather quickly and she plucked pantomime flowers with Anna. Helena was supposed to be the ditzy and innocent fairy. She nailed the part. Even so, whenever she was ‘digging’ a hole to plant a flower she was imagining Tommy planting and watering the flowers, like in rehearsal. Helena headed off-stage to do a 1:30 change into a formal gown on the dot.

One minute and 30 seconds later, it was the last scene. Helena was wearing her pink party dress; fidgeting and twiddling her thumbs. Tommy said to her “Relax.”, and they waltzed onstage. She could feel her palm sweating as they danced. Step forward, releve, step down, releve, and twirl. The music was fast and Helena was on to her next partner. Even so, she was imagining her hand intertwined with his.

The music finished and the cast bowed. Gwen and Helena laughed heartily when Natalie fell, and stumbled off stage. It was decided that they were going to Guapo’s: an amazing Mexican restaurant. They all walked down the snowy street like the big, adopted family they were. Helena sat with Tommy and they laughed about all the immature things they knew. She was teaching him Portuguese, he was teaching her polish.  They shared nachos and Helena’s head was about to burst. She longed to just grab his hand and spill her feelings. Yet she was an actress, and knew the consequences. The 22 year old would have nothing to do with her.

Once the meal was finished, some of the girls cried and swapped phone numbers. Helena trudged home in the January snow and thought about sharing her feelings. Instead she sang as she walked. You could see her twirling in the snow and leaning from side to side, like a happy drunk.

“Don't let me go if I'm dangling, high above the world where the angels sing. Back it up, let's turn this train around, let's get this party hopping 'til we're shaking the ground. When the ground starts shaking I'll be there to hold you tight. Don't worry about a thing cause everything will be alright. Let me keep this short and sweet, there's not a lot I wouldn't do to sweep you off your feet.” Suddenly, she felt Tommy’s arms around her. He got his lips close to her ear and said

“Whoever that’s for is a lucky man. I’m always hear for you, girl.” She laughed and bit her lip. They walked down to the metro station and she waved as she got on the train. The whole cast was meeting up for movie night next Friday. She breathed in deeply and exhaled. Helena would see Tommy again. Life goes on. So does the magic.

Who I am

Wowzers, I've had a brain block for a while! (At least for me) Luckily, my English teacher forced me to write poems with this poet dude, and I finished it in Spanish class. Nothing special, but give it a read(:

Do you hear the whispering wind
Wooshing away my life
Wishing someone will hear

 Please, hear the waves at the beach when I was five
My heart leaping with joy

Touch my back and watch me cry
Happiness plummeting into nothingness

Taste the donuts at my 2nd grade birthday
Smile at the proud grin on my face

Look at my scraped knees
as I struggle to stand

Smell the mulch and flowers in the fall of 4th grade...
Seeing me plant and water with my mommy

Look at me now.

Every jubilant thought, every tear shed
Was innocent and simple, fixed with a kiss
Times are changing.
Childhood is gone and life is complicated
Little joys pass by
A kiss only makes the pain worse......

Now watch me crawl into my bed
Laugh at the mascara streaming down my cheeks
Grow quieter as I wail
Hear my pen scraping the paper
Jump when I slam my notebook

Reach out to comfort and find no one is there
I am gone
The wind has taken my story
Tuck me away, like a dolly in your pocket
So I will not disappear

Solely Lust?

I walked down the row
Didn't see you
your sister said you weren't coming
I felt a pang in my chest

Yet it subsided rather quickly
and I had no time to wonder why
I worked, and laughed, and had fun
whilst i did not think of you

it confuses me; when i thought i was head over heels
what will happen when i won't see you for months?
I thought you were different
then the boy on cross country
who i forgot about in days

I worry
yet somehow do not
because I am writing this
and still care

i hope it is not solely lust
xo.

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Mommy+Crying

This is old, I just wanted to share it:

I hold them in as she stands there awkwardly

waiting for me to say something

but I just sit, looking at my lap

holding the tears in

She says I love you

I say nothing

I watch her leave and shut the door

I stop tensing up and let the water flow

streaming down my cheeks

I've gotten good at silencing the whimpers

& holding back the ocean

I don't let my mom see me cry......

Boutta head off to rehearsal!

So, last night my dad went to the theatre instead of the factory (different rehearsal spots, opposite sides of town) so I got home late.
Then, for tonight, my director suddenly switched my times for rehearsal and to the theatre! joy.

So now I'm just sitting around on a bunch of different computer sites. Ugh.
Anyways, hopefully I'll have some emotions to spill tonight! xo.

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Poo

Poo..... I accidentally mentioned my blog to my parents.... ugh, and now they'll probably read stuff. I'm asking you now, Mom or Dad, please don't. There's nothing wrong with me. It's just embarrassing. Thanks guys. xo.

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Blah blah blah

Bleh, almost every poem for the last week has been about this one guy (with a few exceptions). Sorry if it is extremely boring, I just have nothing else important going on in my life that is driving me this insane. Some are insanely happy, others crazy sad. What can I say? Just normal teenage mood changes. Thank you for listening to my rants. xo.

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Special

Soooo rough. Just had to get this out there while I could still feel the butterflies.

I walked through the doors

concentrated for an hour

could hear you laughing back stage

focused harder

and then, walked out the doors again

This time, with you

we sat and talked

giggled, and flirted

talked about serious things,

and then about the little games in life

We insulted each other

you said 'bite me' and i was tempted to try

you pushed, i pushed back

we laughed more

and cracked up about immature stuff

you made me feel special

through and through

there was no you and her, only me and you

i left with a tingling sensation

two more days until i see you again

hopefully it will be like today

..magic

instead of the ups and downs

but i believe we can

laugh, and poke, and joke

be special

and create magic

Love love love your favorite listener,

Carly

Nighttime

Do you hear the silence of the night creeping in....
Opening the window and crawling on the floor
The gust of wind escapes through the cracks in the wall
Seeping in to your damp and sweaty sheets
I can feel how scared you are; that cold sweat breaking out
In the bed;.. right next to you
The silence is inside
The night has snuck into the house and now you must abide

How it happened

Okay, this a VERY rough draft typed up in about 5 minutes. I'll continue to edit.

I came to do what I love

Practice every movement

Twirl and create magic

Instead I found you

You amazed me with your skill

And maturity, confidence

I needed help and you were there

And every time that Kanye song played I thought of you

I learned how to jump, dance, and create a wall

You taught me how to mime a rope

Your talent caught me and I was in love

Finally, someone sweet and caring who shared my passion

Alas, it was not to be.

You were, after all, 5 years older then me

I never said anything, no, no one knew

But still, every time I saw you I gulped

And could not remove my eyes

Even if it was killing me to watch

I pretend to be chill and don’t act awkward anymore

Yet I still know

That every time I see I’ll want to cry

I focus on my feet, or a scene in the distance

Somehow it always morphs into me and you….

Standing in front of a sunset

Cheesy, right?

Emotional anguish crosses my face

Even now I’m listening to Kanye

It reminds me of you

The good and the Bad

A struggle within myself

My first real test as an actor

Can I hide the feeling?

Love love love your favorite listener,

Carly

Sunday Night

The weekend has been long, hardly an hour of break
The sleep has been short
the night has been sweet
I am going to bed
to crawl under my sheets
turn off my lights
and close my eyes

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Hey Parents

I overreact
I post things on the internet
I laugh too loud
and I read too much into everything

This blog is not for adult eyes
especially not my parents
It's just a stupid teenager getting her thoughts out
and her friends can read them

I don't mind if they read about my 'personal' biz
cuz chances are they already know
I'm just asking for a little privacy
(Ironic, to ask for privacy on a public blog..)

Read it, fine. Laugh, get confused, whatever
If you don't think it's life threatening, don't ask
Don't bring it up with me

If I wanted you to know, I would tell you
Just stop butting in
It's not that important
I have highs and lows

I have a place to express myself
Yet again, I'm stupid
I forgot about prying eyes

Mom, dad,.. if you're still reading this, go away.
Now. leave. Stop pissing me off.
This is not for you.
If you really cared you wouldn't ask

I'm not cutting myself, thinking about suicide, looking at porn,
having sex, doing drugs, doing illegal things, skipping class,
drinking alcohol, or am depressed.

Life is good. With all the valleys and mountains

leave my sanctuary
before you set it on fire.

Never over you

His touch sets me aflame
His hand rests on mine and I don't dare to move it
His leg grazes mine and I tingle inside

..then I turn, and I see you. . . .
laughing with her.

And any feeling towards him disappears
I gulp, and focus on working
But that image is frozen in my head

Every thought of getting over you flies away
I'm not over you
no matter how hard i try
so i just slump into the background
and let my feelings wash away

No one else captures my attention like you do
no one can interest me anymore
you've ruined my appetite

Yet you still laugh along with her, I still don't move my hand
Time goes on and I am silent
words never spoken rush away
and the chance is gone

Worn from you

You wear me down
piece by piece
walking by every time
ignoring every slip
and ripping my heart into shreds methodically
I'm just getting pushed down by you
and i do not understand why

Training your heart for training

Still rehearsing. They call it training for when we actually start with the script. I'm training my heart to stay calm and not freak out. He never did anything. I just read too much into.... everything. Everything is going to be okay.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Stay calm.
Everything is okay
Breathe in, breathe out
You were tired
it was late
he just had to go help everyone...
you lie to yourself. over and over
so much that you almost believe it
just like you believed your fantasies
you're just another teenage actor
young and vying for his attention
but don't listen to me
lie to yourself
if it keeps you concentrated
breathe in, breathe out

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Rehearsal

Rehearsal was amazing... as usual
We did a ton of pantomime. We mimed: pushing walls, pulling ropes, walking against wind...
We also learned all these cool foot movements and warm-ups
Performed a few scenes
I love theatre. It's my life
This one guy was helping me.... he was really cute... and then he found out I was 14 and it got all awkward. Because he thought I was 17. He's an amazing actor and I found any excuse to look at him.
I'm not interested... he was just able to teach so much and I couldn't help but smile and get fidgety when I was near him. But it's whatever, of course he's just a teacher. I should have never crossed that line. It just kinda... sucked; you know? (Like having your heart wrenched out)

They pull your heart out
Leave it beating on the ground
Not even caring enough to squash it
or put it back in your chest
lying there, ready to be stepped on or reattached
They do not watch
You watch with a dull look, almost like watching a movie, as your heart bleeds
The carpet has a stain now
It won't be forgotten
But will he remember? What he did, consciously or not?
I hope he'll speak
Maybe look me in the eye?
Instead of moving to another side and assisting someone else
I always thought you had my back in this
I worked hard and you helped me figure every footstep out
What was I thinking
I never should have crossed that line
You should never have ripped out my heart
Neither of us were intentionally hurtful
We're just not perfect.
Chalk us up as misfits

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

February: Lovin' & blues

Shortest month of the year; 28 days of cold loving.
Frozen kisses on the mouth
Freezing hugs
Breathing in cold air
Holding on tight to your love

Peru

I'm going to a meeting about a trip to Peru! I'm going to Peru for spring break. The ancient civilizations and  food sound amazing. Oh to be in a faraway land, free from boundaries and baggage. To stand in the canopy and laugh a rich and exuberant laugh. I am aching to leave and fly away to Peru.

Love love love your favorite listener,
Carly

Nervous

I scratch my nose
My hands are fidgeting
My shoulder is itchy
The itches are scrambling down my arms
I rub and scratch them
My stomach flops over like an omelette on the stove
My insides churn through my whole body
I shake; and get even more itchy
My eyes twitch
I probably look like I'm going insane.
I'm nervous... so, so nervous


I have an audition today. Wish me luck? thanks.

Apple Tree

Can you remember a time, maybe 10 years ago, when we were young

On the farm, it was summertime

One hundred and five degrees

We sat in the shade next to a great pool of water

Up in the.... Apple Tree

Shared secrets, lopsided picnics, trips to the pond.

Everything somehow drove us back to the tree where it begun

Oh, we ran through the field, maybe fed the pigs, never ate the nasty preserved tomatoes

Blisters and fire ant bites coated our feet;

popped as we climbed the trunk

To pick that perfect ripe apple

A gorgeous red; a crunch when you popped it in your mouth

Lazily falling asleep in the branches.....

do you remember all those good times of that summer? How every night we somehow found our way into the pond. Butt-naked; 8 years old not caring at all

Somehow finding our way into the tree

giggling and laughing til we cried.

I think that tree still says 'Bffs forever'

I bet our folks still don't know it's there.

But I remember and it won't leave my mind

I hope it sticks in yours

like the apple seeds in our teeth

old times, oh the good times....

never forgotten

never changed

pure and sweet

in the apple tree.

Man vs. Mouse

My dad is fixing the dishwasher today. A mouse chewed through some fancy tube. He laughed and said 'I could write a whole blog entitled Man versus Mouse'.

He doesn't know I have a blog. But he had a funny story about it.

It was a giant fiasco about a mouse who was in a jealous rage and would not let anyone else help him chew. Sadly, my dad is covering the hole.

If you thought this was stupid; I agree. I just though it was funny enough to share.

Love love love your favorite listener,

Carly